A very Slow Week - The Businessman

Here is an official transcript of a standard risk assessment for an experiment for a school which will remain unnamed.......

Hazard	Nature of Hazard	Precautions
Meths	Blinding, Flammable	Keep away from student (hippies in particular)
HCl	Corrosive, Clarkyesque (irritant)	Sip to avoid etiquette mishaps
Magnesium	Makes bright pretty colours. When burned you can literally see the little firefly dancing in the flame mocking you with their aerial prowess and luminous anuses	Don't look into the flame else you could end up like the nazis in that film The Raiders Of The Lost Ark (aaaah nostalgia). Yes you could end up smelly.
Strange Chem Teacher/s (not here to Judge or single out)	Possible terrorist intentions.	Subdue with strategically placed copy of Racing Post
Even stranger Physics Teachers	Prone to nervous breakdowns. Know as much as the students do.	Distract with Mars Bars, shiny object and remind him (or her, not here to judge) about the missing coursework.
Students	Apocalyptic possibilities	No power can stop me! (Try cake though)
Headmaster / Headmistress (Not here to Judge)	Spends budget on neon signs promoting himself and leather Chairs and probably at clubs, yeah Evil Dean's Clubs (wink wink, nudge nudge, vicar) eh yeah while we have to do with using 47 year old Bunsen burners and spatulas which could blow up at any minute.	Tell him the press are going to photograph the opening of a can of Beans in the maths block in order for us to begin the "Project".

Other Precautions

Say "Allegedly" after every statement

Don't smell the ether before writing the risk assessment

P.S Yes it has been a slow week.

Rants