Lesson the first - J. Sheridan

I know that many of you have problems, certain things that prevent you connecting with girls, Maybe you are slimy, or repulsive, or a social pariah. If you are Galloway you are all three and more. But I tell you this! Girls are only interested in what is inside! Specifically what is inside your wallet.

So I will show you how to hide your shallow superficial self behind a shallow and superficial shell. This has the advantage of “adding layers” to your meagre personality as well as giving you a new style.

So where to begin? Appearance. You must dress EXACTLY as I describe in order to win the affections of your target. First you must buy a white satin catsuit. If however you cannot find such a magnificent outfit you will have to buy separate white satin super size flared trousers and a white satin shirt. Never EVER under any circumstances button your white satin ensemble above your chest, a good rule is to button it up to your belly button. You must expose your manly chest as nature as shown, be an animal. You must wear white Cuban heels, not trainers ever.

Your hair should be long and curly, or in an afro style. If you wear a wig like the businessman please purchase a more appropriate one. If you cannot physically get your hair in that style plan B involves buying a floppy, wide brimmed hat, preferably white but any bright colour will do. Also big sunglasses. Now the most important thing, like thieving magpies girls are attracted to shiny things, so you must bedeck thyself in gold and jewellery. If you cannot afford to purchase all this jewellery mug a gypsy fortune teller, or if you are Galloway go see Mr T. I pity the fool. Anyway you should have no less than four thick gold chains about your neck, bracelets and rings should also be prominent. Gold teeth are an extreme but very rewarding investment.

Now that your appearance is dealt with we must give you a style. When you walk into the club/school/discotech you will find that everyone is staring awe struck at your magnificent appearance, the only sound will be of racing pulses as the watch you. You must now know how to jive walk. Imagine you are walking downhill in slow motion, add in exaggerated arm movements and you are there. Jive walk over to the girl of your dreams, take your time, let the wonder hit her first of your god like aura. When you reach her you must speak to her, she probably wont answer back there and then, she will be literally speechless. This is your chance. Tell her she is the coolest cat on the block Z, and she is a mighty fine beatch and you want her to be your ‘ho. Again she will probably not respond, although she may cry. This is due to her never experiencing anything like this before, she is under your power.

Now the exit. Don’t walk, don’t even jive walk, you must do something memorable. You must dance. Do either the hustle or the electric slide, do not go over the top and try a John Travolta! Never EVER overdo a situation, your entire attitude has been subtle, don’t blow it. After dancing for about three minutes, point at her, wink and growl a little. Also beat your chest. Then moon walk all the way back to where you came in, always looking at her tear soaked form until you leave the pub/school/discotech.

Repeat until successful. Let me know how it goes.

Rants

Lesson the first - J. Sheridan